it's my 25th birthday!

i've learned an awful lot during my 25 years, especially about myself. while i always think it's a good idea to revisit and reflect on your past and how you've changed, this time last year was one of my darkest, and i've done enough self-reflection the past twelve months to last me a while. on this day, my 25th birthday, i'm the happiest, most confident, most comfortable in my skin i have ever been and it feels so good! so i'm not looking back today. today, i'm looking forward. here's 25 things i'd like to do on this trip around the sun:

run a half marathon

read two books each month

celebrate the anniversary of my first year with nick 

on a beach somewhere with lots of margaritas ❤

purge my closet(s) and basically everything else

adopt a morning routine

organize an actual filing system for my important documents

travel to/up/down the west coast

maintain my mental health

transition to a pescetarian diet

attend detroit flower week

take my interest in calligraphy more seriously 

and practice practice practice!

keep all of my plants alive

go on hikes in cool parks with nick on the weekends

instead of sleeping in until 1pm

frame and hang all of the artwork i have taped to my walls

donate any time and money i can to people and organizations 

that are threatened by the current administration

(make an honest attempt to) take up yoga

attend all the taco festivals within driving distance

invest in a good, solid wardrobe reflective of my style and aesthetic

document my life more consistently through photos and words

visit my friend sophie in florida

turn the individual tattoos on my right arm into a cohesive piece

save money (!!!)

consistently call/facetime/text/visit my friends and family

finally host a fall party at my apartment for all my friends!

&

hire a photographer to do a little couple's session of nick and me

unapologetic

i am working on being more unapologetic, on being me without questioning it

i don't want to be sorry
for the number of instagram photos and stories i post of my cats
that i drink too much wine at any point in time
that i stand up for what's right,
 for what i believe is right
for tagging my boyfriend in an average of three viral fb posts per day
for being emotional,
for crying when i think of something that makes me sad,
 something that makes me happy

i want to be unapologetic
of my feistiness and my refusal to settle
of my ridiculously particular eating habits
of my general outrageousness and mild rosacea and my deep, impenetrable hatred of 70º and warmer

i'm sick of being sorry and feeling guilty and apologizing for every single move i make
so i'm working on being more unapologetic,
on being me without questioning it

it's as though i have to keep experiencing new pain in order to dull the old.


everything hurts.


nothing is right and everything hurts. it hurts to wake up in the morning. it hurts to go to sleep. it hurts to breathe and think and exist.

i'm tired and i'm nostalgic for a peace that never really existed. i'm in grief over what could have been. i reel over lies i've been told and my heart breaks a little more with every beat. 

it's devastating. 

i am devastated. 

i have been sabotaging myself. i have been ruining my own life.

i have so many fascinating thoughts and good ideas and musing questions and undeniable wants. i have so many words to speak, but minute by minute, day after day, i am quiet. i don't ask my questions and i don't share my stories. i am not outwardly assertive or bold. rather, i allow myself to remain passive. i sit back and watch everything happen around me. i get so caught up in this infuriating desire to sound intelligent or witty or whatever it is people want to be, that i make the foolish decision to remain hushed. i let opportunities and relationships and life fly right past me while i open the floodgate to excuses. i'm an introvert! it's charming! forever a wallflower!


yeah, i'm rolling my eyes too.


in accepting these excuses as unyielding truths, i have paralyzed myself.
i have retreated so far into myself that i feel non-existent.



so here's to trying again. here's to loudness and self-assurance and existence.

in the winter

i want winter to stop being so hard. i want it to be a saturday morning in early june. i want to be sitting in front of pancakes and eggs and a fresh cup of coffee. i want to talk to and romp around with my friends. i want to bare my shoulders to the sun shining down. i want to put the windows up and feel warm again. i want to create beautiful arrangements full of bright flowers and string words into beautiful sentences full of wonder. i want my favorite songs to always sound magical and i want home to always feel safe. i want to stop feeling uneasy. i want something to feel permanent. i want things and conversations and relationships to have meaning. i want to know what to do. i want to stop being skeptical and worrisome. i want to make people feel important and loved, and i want to feel important and loved. i want all of these things, and i want winter to stop being so damn hard.

it won't always be like this

you won't always feel this way

i wrote those words eleven months and three days ago.

i thought that if i wrote them down, they would be real. i thought that writing about my emptiness would somehow fill me up. i thought that if i could convince myself that the words were true, they would somehow become true.

but it's still like this.

i still feel this way.

my heart still hurts. my soul is still tired. i'm still nostalgic and pining, and it's still hard to wake up in the morning. 

it's still like this

i still feel this way

this weekend

it was a very long, very good weekend.

there was the earliest of all mornings, 5am to be exact, still dewy and dark and all things quiet. there was a surgery center and some real nervousness, but we had a few laughs to ease a bit of that. during all the waiting there was talk of twinkies and kidney stones and "no grandma, i probably wouldn't date the anesthesiologist who looks to be about 40 years old." after a smooth, problem-free surgery, there was baked spaghetti for lunch, fish and hush puppies for dinner, and a few wild rain storms in the hours between. there was a late night of orange is the new black, and for the first time ever, i fell asleep before my mom.

there was "get up, get ready, and go out for breakfast" two mornings in a row. bacon, eggs, oatmeal, and one slice of banana nut bread, please and thank you. there was a good movie and buttered theater popcorn, followed by conversation with my best friend over chips and guac and low-calorie cheesecake, as if it mattered by that point. on the way home, there was a dance party in the car with the windows rolled down and the music turned up, the way teenagers do on warm summer nights.

there were long, solo strolls through stores, dreaming of could-be/will eventually-be home decor. there was lots of time spent indulging in the delicious smells of all of the pumpkin/baked good/spice scented candles. there was the wearing of over sized sweatshirts and the listening of podcasts and the binge reading of a beautiful food blog which inspired thoughts of cooking real meals and baking real sweets.

there were conversations of festivals, along with cravings for their blueberry donuts and string lights and fun, dusty atmospheres. with these conversations came a deep yearning for september and october and all of the warm colors and chilly days those months hold.

there were a billion trips to indianapolis, one which yielded homemade slaw and a to-die-for watermelon salad. there was a long walk around a beautiful neighborhood to admire the houses and hydrangeas and a tiny free library. back at home there was coffee while the sun set, lemon chicken, grilled veggies, and it all tasted so much like summer.

this weekend there was only love and joy and anticipation, and it was just so good.